Thursday, October 30, 2008

I'm killing myself. (with eating)


I am having a really hard time. I really need some kind of help.

Devouring a box of Triscuits ...that's not a snack.
a bag of chocolate cookies...not a snack.
an entire package of chocolates...not a snack.

and yet...i consume them easily and quickly. more, more, more. food, food, food. then i have my normal meals for the day. every chance i get to eat, i take. if i see food that isn't mine, i wait til no one is around and sneak some. it's disgusting. i will eat pure sugar from packets if nothing else is around.

don't look at the calories...it's already done, so that would just be depressing. that's how i rationalize not facing just how much i've eaten. but it shows up..boy, does it show up.

i have gained an enormous amount of weight...nearly 30 pounds since mid-July. nearly 30 pounds in less than 4 months. (note: i was 96.5 and a bit thin but still it's a LOT of weight to gain. i'm 5'1. it shows up big time)and it's due to hardcore binging.

i don't know how to say no. i don't know the feeling of hungry. i don't know the feeling of full...only the feeling of wanting more, even when i've put so much in that i can barely move.

there is no simple solution.
i just really need help.
i don't have the money for a therapist and i don't have health insurance.
i work during the time of the one overeaters anonymous meeting around here every week.

i eat so much. there's no thinking or sense involved. no moderation involved at all.

i just want to be...normal. see food normally. not be obsessed with it and eating ALL the time.

:( i don't want to gain anymore weight but most of all...

i just want to be happy and live. but i'm setting myself up for DEATH. all this crap...sugar, fat, thousands upon thousands of calories OVER what my body needs for the day?
i've grown out of my clothes...when i'm not comfortable in my clothes, i can't concentrate on anything else. also i have been doing horribly at my job because i'm so full that i can barely move.

the sensible answer is..."stop. you know these things are bad for you. you've typed out all these awful things. just stop.'

i wish i could. i know i can but i just don't let myself. i think there are a lot of psychological reasons why i've latched back onto my old awful habit of hardcore binging.

i've got to LET GO. i have got to get FREE from this...

i feel like a failure...therefore it is what i am. is it really that simple?


Please, any words of advice, wisdom, and/or encouragement are appreciated.

7 comments:

Meg said...

I don't know what words to use to help you, but I want to send you big hugs! Hang in there! You will get through this! My only words of advice are "Love Yourself"!

brooke1979 said...

It's so rare to read such an honest posting.

I've been there before myself and I really feel for you. Remember that you aren't alone! A free website that really helped me with my binge eating is www.sparkpeople.com.

Hang in there!

Norah said...

I am so sorry that you are struggling with food. I am not sure if I have any great advice but have you considered self-help books that address overeating and/or emotional eating? Also, sometimes trying to lead a balanced, healthful lifestyle without focusing so much on food can make eating just fall into place (or at least easier). Do things that you enjoy...just some ideas - yoga, warm baths, reading, craft projects, listen to music. I think sometimes if you have things non-food related to look forward to there is less focus and emphasis on food. I also think weight isn't always a good indicator but how you are feeling mentally, physically, and emotionally.
Reach out to family and friends if possible, especially when you are inclined to binge. Sometimes identifying those moments when you are susceptible to binging can be a good first step.
I'm not sure if any of this babbling was helpful but I am thinking of you.
Take care.

Caitlin (see bride run) said...

can you email me? i wanna talk to you, not on the comments.

seebriderun@gmail.com

be strong!

rachelfresh said...

Hey Amanda,
I'm new to this blogging thing and I just stumbled upon your blog but I'm so glad I did. I'm in college too and a lot of what you wrote really hit home with me (I struggled with bulimia in high school).
In my opinion, your "normal" meals seem really small... so naturally the days of restricting are going to lead to some sort of compensation. This is an incredibly difficult cycle to break out of. What helped me was a big CHANGE- a totally new routine, a new location, a new lifestyle, new places where I wasn't reminded of obsessing about eating/not eating all day long.
I see that you know you want to make a change, which is the first step, so congratulations! You'll break out of this :)
Good luck and I really really hope you can find a helpful change. Keep updating!

JustJen said...

Amanda,

I really, truly feel your pain. Have you heard of Geneen Roth? She has written a few books on this subject and suffered with binge eating for years. Also, somethingfishy.org is a good community for talking to others with the same issues. I myself have been struggling with this for about three years - and I have certainly been in the place where you are: Thinking you can NEVER stop, feeling out of control, miserable, etc. Even though I'm not completely out of the woods my weight has been leveled off for more than a year and I feel so much better. A big first step is being able to stop beating yourself up. You can do this, but it is a process and concentrating on restricting and losing weight sometimes feels like the best thing, but please trust me, it ALWAYS backfires. Work on loving and accepting you and over time the other stuff will come...Warm wishes, Jen

I am Angie Pooh said...

Hi Amanda,

I started reading your blog a couple weeks ago. I can totally relate to everything you're saying. I have disordered eating for years now. I thought I was back to being 'normal' about food a couple months, but this past month, with all the stress that has been building up I started to binge again. I didn't know how to stop it. Today is actually the first day in a week I haven't binged. I have no one to talk to about it. I used to be in therapy, but I can't go now because I don't have the money to spend on it either. The first thing I did today was eat a normal breakfast, and I headed to the gym. I usually go to the gym every day, but I don't go when I binge.

I'm 5'2", and I know what you mean when the weight shows up. I have gained a little over 10 lbs from my lowest weight, which is my normal weight from these last 2 weeks of binging. I don't know what to tell you, but I just want you to know that you're not alone, and you're NOT a failure. I hope that you can look deep down within yourself and know that you are special and you are worth it. Worth it to lead a healthy life and look at food as nourishment.

--Angela