Monday, November 3, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
I'm killing myself. (with eating)

Devouring a box of Triscuits ...that's not a snack.
a bag of chocolate cookies...not a snack.
an entire package of chocolates...not a snack.
and yet...i consume them easily and quickly. more, more, more. food, food, food. then i have my normal meals for the day. every chance i get to eat, i take. if i see food that isn't mine, i wait til no one is around and sneak some. it's disgusting. i will eat pure sugar from packets if nothing else is around.
don't look at the calories...it's already done, so that would just be depressing. that's how i rationalize not facing just how much i've eaten. but it shows up..boy, does it show up.
i have gained an enormous amount of weight...nearly 30 pounds since mid-July. nearly 30 pounds in less than 4 months. (note: i was 96.5 and a bit thin but still it's a LOT of weight to gain. i'm 5'1. it shows up big time)and it's due to hardcore binging.
i don't know how to say no. i don't know the feeling of hungry. i don't know the feeling of full...only the feeling of wanting more, even when i've put so much in that i can barely move.
there is no simple solution.
i just really need help.
i don't have the money for a therapist and i don't have health insurance.
i work during the time of the one overeaters anonymous meeting around here every week.
i eat so much. there's no thinking or sense involved. no moderation involved at all.
i just want to be...normal. see food normally. not be obsessed with it and eating ALL the time.
:( i don't want to gain anymore weight but most of all...
i just want to be happy and live. but i'm setting myself up for DEATH. all this crap...sugar, fat, thousands upon thousands of calories OVER what my body needs for the day?
i've grown out of my clothes...when i'm not comfortable in my clothes, i can't concentrate on anything else. also i have been doing horribly at my job because i'm so full that i can barely move.
the sensible answer is..."stop. you know these things are bad for you. you've typed out all these awful things. just stop.'
i wish i could. i know i can but i just don't let myself. i think there are a lot of psychological reasons why i've latched back onto my old awful habit of hardcore binging.
i've got to LET GO. i have got to get FREE from this...
Please, any words of advice, wisdom, and/or encouragement are appreciated.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
delicious!





Friday, October 10, 2008
"Don't eat that. You'll spoil your dinner." haha
Around 9:30, I had a cup of coffee w/2 packets of splenda and a little more coffeemate than usual.
Lunch was my FAVORITE! Peanut butter and banana sandwiches are the best! The banana browned a bit in the fridge but like I care...I'm a banana addict. A banana is a banana =).
Afternoon snack=sliced swiss cheese cubes.
Around 3:30 , a fellow employee and I made a second trip into the local icecream shop while we were out on deliveries. The first time we'd gone in, she'd grabbed a few chocolate candies and I grabbed a diet coke. The second time, her friend (who works there) offered me free icecream again and I decided to just go for it. I LOVE pistachios and I decided on the pistachio nut icecream. It came in the cutest little cup and it was SO worth the calories. yum yum YUM!
THAT is the way to enjoy food...slowly, savoring it...eating something you like instead of just shoveling food in without even caring what it is as long as it's food...and most importantly, not sneaking it for some kind of warped thrill.
Because I indulged in the icecream , I'm skipping out on dinner. I was excited about the chicken cordon bleu that i was going to have but I just can't stomach it after the icecream. I might have some veggies if I get hungry but for now, that's that.
EDIT: had 4 cherry tomatoes & cut a very thin slice of sharp cheddar cheese but i don't know how to get it so that i can put the pic at this point of the entry instead of the beginning, so you'll have to try to survive without that pic haha.I work tomorrow and then Sunday is my day off =]. My weight this morning was 111.2. Gotta finally get past that number!
Thursday, October 9, 2008
112.6. good day.





Monday, October 6, 2008
7 days of photo blogging =)
Breakfast was loaded with carbs and delicious...1/2 cup oatmeal, 1/2 cup fiber one, & a light fatfree peach yogurt. I decided to finally go one whole day w/o peanut butter....peanut butter & peach? that just DOESN'T sound good anyway!




On a more serious note, it is so liberating to abstain from counting calories. Sure, I'll measure things every now and then (I always measure oatmeal so I don't go overboard) or even average the calories for ONE snack or ONE meal in my head but then it's forgotten. My friend's dad made dinner tonight and added noodles and meat to lasagna hamburger helper.
Can I even express to you how wonderful it was to not be sitting there wondering what all was added and how many calories were in each thing??? how nice it was to instead put a decent-sized serving into my bowl and engage in some form of conversation instead of letting my mind go into a state of paranoia about calories and sodium?? I never thought that I could eat sensibly without counting calories to stay in control OR using the fact that I'm not counting calories to go completely OUT of control.

This concludes one week of success...now, onto the next! With each successful day, I am reminded even more that i am stronger than I let myself believe I am.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Day off work...and day of cheese. =]




